Changing

So some anonymous person commented on my last post and I decided to dedicate a post to my response to their comment (which didn't really elicit a response but I want to respond so here it is!)

They said:

"From following your posts closely it's pretty clear that you've already undergone a pretty significant transformation as a person. It's interesting to follow. "

I absolutely agree. It is really scary to feel myself changing as the weeks race by. Change is good, but only if I change in a positive way. I know a lot of medical students become depressed, stressed out, disillusioned, and lose their love of caring for others...usually because of the rules, restrictions, and demands placed on them as they move through their medical education

I hope I cling to my curiosity and excitement about the opportunities in medicine and don't get discouraged by the many challenges I face. In my MPH (public health) classes, we learn about the humongous failures occurring at all levels of the medical system, and its terrifying to think about how to handle the failures in my future career.

I want to see my patients as people and not diseases, and as I go through my interviewing class I am definitely doing that, but maybe even too much. I interviewed a patient last Thursday who was diagnosed with cancer for the third time. She cried as she told me she was facing another round of debilitating chemo and radiation with unlikely success. The rest of the day I was emotionally drained from trying to keep myself from breaking down during her interview. I am tearing up just thinking of how much she has been through. I need to find a balance and create appropriate bonds with patients to prevent myself from feeling so drained by their emotional distress. That looks like it will be a big challenge for me for a while, and something I will deliberately work on. I am also pretty sure I want nothing to do with oncology.

I've also realized more and more how impossible it is to please everyone, so I have been using the strategy of being true to myself and my values rather than trying to please the many people that I work with. Of course while respecting their values and personalities and finding compromises where differences occur. The problem is, care is often patient directed now, and I will have to treat patients the way they want to be treated (I am talking medically, not interpersonally) and that will probably frustrate me as I move forward.

I basically have a lot of challenges, and I see them mostly during interviewing, MPH and ethics classes. I am so thankful to Tufts for providing these outlets for me to learn and grow outside of hard science courses, and without these classes I wouldn't have started learning these things about myself until third year.

I am also changing a lot personally. The skills I gain in creating relationships with patients translate into my relationships with everyone, and I find myself applying my interviewing skills outside of class more and more often. I also learn so much about myself so quickly, and have been using what I learn to change my life outside of school (or at least what bit of life I have outside of school anyways).

Article in the times about physician empathy vs. competence: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/11/01/health/views/the-downside-of-doctors-who-feel-your-pain.html?_r=1&nl=health&emc=healthupdateema2

Hectic Days Behind and Ahead

Hello readers,

I don't have much time to blog these days. I definitely feel like I am in medical school now. Last weekend was a huge study weekend and the test yesterday was a big headache. I cried in my seat in the middle of the exam. Don't worry, (1.) its pass fail and (2.) I pulled myself together before the end and finished feeling ok. I also worked out after the exam, which was a HUGE success.

I am really focusing on complaining less, eating healthier, and working out / de-stressing more often. I need to also focus on not overwhelming myself by taking on too much. Class alone is enough to stress me out, but with all of the extra-curricular opportunities its hard to not overdo it. I want to go to a Medical Students for Choice conference, but I doubt that's an option for me (test the following weekend) and the Tufts Ski Trip is also the weekend before an exam, so that is also a no go. So sad. The good news is, for every opportunity I miss, there are two to twenty more available for me to do next time. I have time to do everything I want, I don't need to do it all NOW! Medical school provides us with soooo much to do and so many ways to learn and grow. It is so amazing and enriching and wonderful, but also stressful and hectic!

Today my roomie made yummy squash and chicken curry and amaretto chocolate chip cookies. She invited over some friends and we all talked, watched Life (so good!) and discussed our Medical Ethics course (autonomy, beneficence, non-malefecence, and justice are the main points - we also discussed utilitarianism - do the most good, and Kant / Deontology - be moral as well as Medical Genetics and random other topics). Its all super interesting!

Since my last post, I went sailing on the Charles River (sooo pretty!), enjoyed being outdoors in the fall, went to a med school stoplight party, played frisbee on the commons, toured around with Sloane (I love visitors - especially legendary ones!), went to a festival and brunch with my local awesome uncle, and did random other fun and exciting things. I have a lot of fun, but usually there is this nagging urge to go to the library to study that is hanging over my head during my fun times. It is hard to forget how much I have to do all the time, and I try really hard to let myself take breaks and forget about medical school for a while.

Minor setbacks - but don't worry - I still prefer med school to other options (AKA a job, normal grad school, unemployment, and worst of all law school) and am so glad I am here!

I wanted to write last week about interviewing. I had a moment where I was really able to visualize myself as a doctor and it was a scary thing to visualize. SOOOooooo much is expected from us, and it is terrifying to have so much impact on peoples' lives!! The feelings I had in that moment are long gone (replaced with memorized fat synthesis pathways or something similar or lost on the shelves of the library somewhere). Oh well, that feeling be back I'm sure!

Yom Kip with Levine and More!

Hey blog readers! Sorry its been so long, things have been crazy. I think we are trying to really enjoy the last bits of warmth Boston has to offer. This weekend is beautiful and then I am pretty sure it won't break past the 70s for the rest of the year. Sigh.

So yesterday LEVINE CAME TO VISIT! Yayyy! I love when friends visit because thats when I get to actually explore Boston (hint hint, COME VISIT ME PEOPLE!). We walked around Fenway and Faneuil and then drove north for services and Break-the-Fast at his uncle's house! Levine's grandfather and uncle run "Larry Levine's Kosher Market," in Peabody (which is pronounced "Pea-B'dy" which I find super strange and awkward) so the food at the Break-the-Fast was AMAZING! I had so much fun mingling with the Levines and friends and ate tons and tons of delicious Jewish classics. Multiply the Levine we all know by 20 and that was what the experience was like! It was a good time, and I was so glad to be around such a sweet and welcoming family for the holiday, because I missed my family so much! They sent me home with tons of leftovers and tips on how to survive Mass in the winter!

www.levineskoshermkt.com

What else has been going on? Hmmm... They weren't kidding when they said time flies in medical school. I don't know where time has gone lately. I just study and wander around Boston with my classmates and **POOF** its October! There is always so much going on, its hard to stay inside and study all the time, so this week I kind of haven't been the best student.... BUUUTTT tomorrow is going to be my catch-up day - 12 hours of library! It is so sad because there are so so so many things I want to do and I just can't possibly fit them all into my schedule. I have also been attempting to work out 3x a week so I don't gain a bajillion pounds from all the free food and potlucks. Too much to do, not enough time...sigh. But its way better than having nothing to do, so I really shouldn't complain!

So here are some highlights from the past few weeks:

• writing a group paper on creating a coalition to prevent smoking during pregnancyfor my MPH class (my group rocked, and we had some amazing ideas)
• studying fat in Biochemistry (ugh)
• Passed both Genetics and Cell Biology (two classes down, a lot to go!)
• learning about diarrheal diseases in Molecular Biology (yuck)
• losing my ability to trust any statistic in Epidemiology (its so easy to make study results sound more significant than they really are)
• started interviewing at a hospital in my white coat (I look so official!)
• apple picking for Rosh Hashanah with TUSM Hillel and baking tons of apple pastries (pie, crisp, etc.)
• Rosh Hashanah potluck (I made my mom's Apple cake! Yum!!)
• saw Contagion (you ALL have to see it!)

So now I'm off to the Commons to enjoy the sun! Later!